But What If?
The extent of my anxiety from childbirth is really not something I talk about with many people, even my husband. One of the biggest problems I have is leaving the house alone. I really don't have any problems leaving when I have to go to work. I think it's because I don't really have a choice, but anytime I leave my boys to go do something for myself the anxiety kicks in.
It starts a little while before I know I have to leave. I get this knot in my stomach because I know soon I have to say goodbye. Soon after that is when the "what ifs" start. "What if I get in a car accident and die?" "What if something happens to them while I'm going and I never see them again?" I do my best to try and talk myself down from the ledge. Sometimes I am successful. Usually these are the times when I am going to meet someone else. I think I feel at that point I have to go because I already made plans. Right as I am walking out the door I give them a hug and a kiss and the same wonder always hits, "Is this the last time I'm going to see them or hug and kiss them?" I've told my husband this a few times but what I have never mentioned was the tears that roll down my face for at least a good 5 minutes. The sickness I feel and the imagines that pop into my head haunt me for a while during my drive.
Some days I'm going to do something entirely alone, go to the gym, get my hair done, get a massage. Those are the absolute hardest. Those are the times my anxiety usually starts in the morning and I spend an entire day thinking of great excuses on why I should just stay home. I know it has to be a good excuse because if it isn't than I have to explain why I don't want to leave and honestly most people just won't understand and the last thing I need to hear is "You're being crazy". I'm aware at how it all seems and that just walking out the door doesn't effect the majority of people but for me this is an every day feeling. I deal with this every single day. Imagines of something bad happening to me and me never seeing my boys again come into my head every single day.
I know these moments are extremely hard but something positive I hold onto is most times I don't let the thoughts win. I fight my way through them and do what was planned. There are occasions where they do win though and I cancel my plans and stay in the safety of my house.
Something that has helped me recently was discovering Street Parking. I am super into crossfit, I love everything about it. I struggle to get to the gym because well I work full time, my husband owns a business, and I have 2 small kids! Life is CRAZY! Getting to the gym multiple times a week is just something that is not in the cards for me right now. Going to the gym for an hour leaves me out of the house for 2ish hours with travel. It's just not something I'm willing to do every night when I can be with my boys. Street Parking saved me because now I can do the workouts I love in my home with my crazy boys all around me asking me a million questions as I workout lol! It also helps my anxiety because I'm not leaving my house every night and I get to do the workouts I love. This doesn't mean I don't still go to the gym. I do. My goal is to make it there 2 days a week
Everyday I will continue to get stronger. Even though these feelings haunt me everyday I know it is important to try and work through them. I have to try and win those battles with my mind.